“You have survived 100% of your worst days”
I love this quote a lot. I say it over and over again and perhaps it is most relevant to me now than it ever has been because it has been a very turbulent few weeks. Unfortunately living with Mental Illness can be horrendously unpredictable. Relapses can happen suddenly and a person can deteriorate incredibly quickly. Basically, before I knew what was happening, I was back in hospital for the third time this year.
This was obviously not what I had planned. I had not foreseen spending Halloween and my 21st birthday in hospital. Having vowed never to return after my last admission, my stubbornness to comply and fully accept how ill I was landed me a 28 day section. For those first few weeks I was certain I was fine, that I didn’t need hospital thank you very much and that I could manage alone. I told myself I would be out in a few days and they would soon realise how perfectly fine I was. It was just a blip. Nothing to worry about. I would bounce back in no time. I am lucky I have such a good doctor.
6 weeks later and the fog has finally cleared. I was not recovering. I was not living. I was not coping. My mind had effectively managed to convince me that all was well. After 4 weeks under section some rational part of me realised that actually Anorexia had made an almighty comeback and my self destructive behaviours had managed to worm their way back in and I had been blind to them.
I have now agreed to stay as a ‘voluntary patient’ so a care plan can be put in place for when I finally leave hospital. My medication has been reviewed and is due to be changed. I agreed to start working with them. I agreed to start eating again. I agreed to try and get better and while I am still struggling immensely, I am making small steps forward. A few weeks ago the thought of writing a coherent blog post was beyond me. A few weeks ago eating a slice of toast was beyond me. I am working with the nurses instead of against them. I am trusting the professionals and while I still get angry and frustrated at them, I know they do their best with the limited NHS resources. I still foresee having to stay a while longer. I hope I have the strength in me to keep going and every day fight harder. And most of all I really hope to be allowed home and back into the community as soon as possible, perhaps even for good at Christmas.