“Small moments will be your saviour. Catch them in the palm of your hand and hold them like the most precious thing you own. Just give it some time, my love, just give it a little bit more time”
Being a weight restored Anorexic is anything but easy. Suddenly you lose your comfort blanket, your safety net. The one thing that people could SEE was wrong with you has gone, yet you are still sick. Mentally. And that is fundamentally what makes Eating Disorders MENTAL Illnesses. If everything magically disappeared on reaching a healthy weight, then it would not be classed as such. Nor would there be so many Eating Disorders that do not require a weight criterion to be diagnosed.
The battle, for me at least, is still very much alive. And what makes it harder is that I look fine. I look normal. I look happy. But every single day I have to wake up and fight an illness that is doing its upmost to kill me. I have to face my fear of food 3-5 times a day and ensure my exercise levels are not excessive. And if I’m honest it is taking its toll on me. I am at the point in recovery where I am not happy, not comfortable in myself and getting dressed in the morning is a nightmare. Depression slowly creeps back in and everything you managed to mask with your Eating Disorder – all the feelings you buried, all the deep rooted self-hatred rear their ugly heads and you have to fight them straight on. There is nothing to hide behind, nothing to distract yourself with. I can no longer starve these feelings away. I have to face them.
And I am trying, I am trying my hardest, but it is not easy and my EUPD has started to get out of control. It is a horrible feeling to be winning one battle, but losing another. It makes me feel weak and like I cannot fight them both at the same time. Yet I have good days and bad days and the simple matter is that at the moment the bad days outweigh the good but I am hopeful that there will be a point where it is reversed; and the good days become more frequent and last longer. I just have to hang in there.
I have said this before and I will say it again recovery is not a straight road so do not beat yourself up for not recovering perfectly. Do not beat yourself up for struggling. It is ok to have days where you do not want to get out of bed and face the world. You will have good days and you will have bad days. You will have days where you can eat anything under the sun and days where a biscuit scares the life out of you. But do not give up. Keep challenging your fears and remember NOTHING is worth relapsing for. No matter how bad it seems. I still think about relapse all the time but I keep reminding myself how much I would lose if I did.