“Fall down seven times…stand up eight”
And I see myself through different glasses than those around me. And my brain plays back images of things I wish I would forget. And my mind is a torture chamber where every day I am bombarded with a continuous flow of criticism. And my brain is planted with seeds of self-loathing. And I do not know what to do with the rush of feelings that hit me like a storm. And I do not know how to do anything except keep picking myself up and trying to brush off the ghosts from the past which have haunted me for so long. But I can never quite free myself from their grasp. And the voice in my ear is so loud it appears to be all I can hear. And it’s words are like poison, spinning threads of lies yet it is all I know and all I can believe. Because I am not strong enough to challenge it, not brave enough to stand up and fight. Yet I know it is the only way out of this destructive cycle I find myself in. Where I am able to keep myself safe only for short periods of time until the next wave of Depression hits and I am propelled back down the spiral right into the mouth of the devil, back into the depths of the darkness.
And I know I need to keep fighting not because I want to, but because I have to. But it is hard when I keep getting better then relapsing back to old unhealthy coping mechanisms. And I am frustrated. And my doctors are frustrated. And I do not know what to do. I do not know how to break out of this circle that is slowly killing me because every time I feel I am doing better I fall back down. Looking back at these past few months, all I can see is a whirl of blurry memories and remember just snippets of past conversations. When I am unwell everything feels like a dream. I make bad decisions and become very impulsive. Being back in hospital has felt awful. And I have felt as though I had taken five steps forwards and ten steps back. And it feels that with each set back I fall further and I cannot seem to stay well enough to push through the barrier in front of me. It is as though I am up against a brick wall with no tools to knock it down and no way over. And I keep trying to get around it, to push it down, to break it but I just end up feeling exasperated and tired with the whole process. Sometimes it is easier to self-destruct. It is easier to use unhealthy coping mechanisms because there is no place to fall back, there is no room to fall further. You hit rock bottom and you are so used to being there that it becomes familiar. Still horrible. Still frightening. And still debilitating. Yet familiar. And when you are not used to feeling better or feeling happy it can be scary to try. It can be scary to try and push forward because there is always the possibility of relapse. And it is almost better to not try then try and fail again.
However, I am not giving up yet. I will carry on picking myself back up and hope that things eventually run their course and I start to get well and stay well. I am re-starting my psychotherapy which I am hoping and praying will be a valuable aid in my recovery.
To anyone out there struggling – hang in there. Do not be afraid to try and fight your demons. I am living proof that it does not matter how many times you fall there is always, always a way to start fighting your way back up again.
Take care guys