“The best way out is always through”

Relapses happen. If anything, that is what I have learnt from living with Mental Illnesses. I am currently struggling. My EUPD feels like the worst it has ever been and all I can do is to keep treading water. Depression is overwhelming me. And I feel like I am trapped behind a glass wall in darkness with the promise of happiness on the other side. And I am willing the glass to shatter so I can feel a fraction of the joy and hope that lies before me. But no matter how hard I hit it, no matter how hard I try to push, the glass will not give. I am backed in a corner, crippled in anguish as I watch the world I so long to be part of, yet find so difficult to comprehend, pass me by, Maybe they just do not take broken people, or those tarnished with badness. Maybe they do not accept people who are empty and have nothing left to give. Or who have lost themselves so entirely that they no longer know who they are. I feel like I am in the pit of despair. But I must keep going. I must keep looking forwards as I know I have reached better places before and I can do so again. Yet in these times of darkness it can be hard to see the light. I feel like I have been ill for so long that I no longer know what being well is like. I don’t know what it is like to not be consumed my Illnesses which are the devil in disguise. They do their upmost to kill you until there is nothing of ‘you’ left. EUPD turns me into someone I do not even recognise. I become impulsive, reckless and needy. It is exhausting. And I am tired, oh so very tired of fighting. Christmas and New Year are always a hard time for me. It marks another year of this torment. Another year full of unhelpful behaviours. But they are my safety net. They are my armour. And I am too scared to show myself.

But I will keep fighting. I know recovery is possible and no matter how long it takes I will not give up. No matter how hard, no matter how treacherous the journey is, I believe I can do it and that is what counts.

This weekend has been one of the worst of my life. I had to go back into hospital due to my impulsive and reckless behaviour. I had to be kept safe as I was unable to do so myself. But I am out now and ready to begin the journey back up. I must find the fight in me to continue with my recovery and avoid any more readmissions to hospital. I am determined. I am strong. I am worthy. And I am ready to do whatever it takes to be well again.

Take care guys

xx