“You won’t know until you’ve tried”
So it has been a while since my last blog post. If I had one word to sum up the last month it would be “turbulent”. New Year can be tough. Every year I feel like this is another year of my life that I’ve wasted. Another year of starvation and engaging in bad coping mechanisms. But I do not want to think like that. I could sit here and wallow in self-pity. I could focus on the negative (the countless hospital admissions, my struggle with food and the loss of some of my independence). I could think about all the things that have gone wrong and all the mistakes I have made, but part of recovery is giving yourself credit for what you have achieved. And believe me it is tough. But most things can be turned into positives. The amount of progress I have made this year is something I should be very proud of. And I honestly struggle to write that. A year ago I was in hospital, a year ago I has stopped eating entirely, a year ago I was intent on hurting myself in any way possible.
After I was discharged in the spring of last year I went on holiday with my family and ate out every night. I ate what JENNY wanted not Anorexia. I managed better than I could have hoped and I need to allow myself to realise that. I had such a good time and was able to enjoy myself for the first time in months.
However, after a few difficult weeks, It was suggested that I should move into supported accommodation. This was probably the toughest decision I had to make in 2016. It was hard because I had to decide what was best for me and my health and put that above everything else. Of course I wanted to stay in my flat with my dog, but the reality of the situation was that I was not coping at all. So my social worker and I agreed that we would give it ago and honestly it was the best decision I could have made. Having the support of staff is amazing and I get on well with all of them.
At the end of 2016 I made another hard decision – to go back to university. I decided that I could keep putting it off and waiting until I felt “ready”, but I realised that that time might never come. So I made the choice to go back. And honestly I am terrified. My anxiety is sky high and I am worried about so many elements. But I am trying to be excited about the prospect of returning and I plan on enjoying myself to fullest. I am worried about whether I will be able to stay well and get through it, but as my psychotherapist says “you won’t know until I’ve tired”. I am nervous about meeting new people and trying to make new friends. But I am hoping it will be ok and that everyone will be friendly. I am also scared of failing and letting everyone down but I do have resources in place to help me through my studies.
2016 has not been an easy year for me. There have been a lot of changes and a lot of ups and downs but focusing on the moment is important. And right now I am keeping myself afloat, reaching out when I am struggling and preparing myself for the next chapter of my life.
I wish you all a very happy and healthy New Year.
Take care guys