Trying to Find my Feet

“Rock bottom is good solid ground and a dead end street just a place to turn around.”

So its been a long time since my last blog post. At the beginning of the year things were going OK – I had thrown myself into university and was managing as well as I could have hoped.  However, it did not take long for things to deteriorate and I was back in hospital by the end of February. University was causing me too much stress and as a result I was forced to give it up for yet another year. Things became easier after that. I was ‘coping’. Nothing was perfect but things were going well in terms of my supported accommodation. And that stability continued for a few months. Food wise things were good although I was and still am by no means happy with my body shape or weight.

We are now in June and at the end of May my Mental Health began to worsen for no apparent reason. I was doing fine, then all of a sudden I was not. I guess that is the nature of EUPD. For this reason I was admitted back to hospital for some respite. Although things have steadily gone from bad to worse and I am severely struggling with my mood and thoughts and I do not know what is going on or how long I will have to stay here for. Everything is up in the air at the moment. My supported accommodation are extremely concerned and are unsure if they are able to cope with me. I do not know where to go from here. I do not know how to get better. I do not even know what better is. My head is a mess at the moment. My food intake has suffered as a result of being sectioned and all control being taken away from me.

So things are not great but I am hoping they will improve and I will be allowed back to my supported accommodation, but I just don’t know If that will happen. I feel like I have lost my fight and positive attitude to recovery. I am so tired of this illness. It is draining me and it is taking everything in me not to do something drastic and dangerous. But I am not done yet. I am still here, and still trying to re-gain some of my energy to continue fighting. But just. In this moment. I feel lost.

Take care guys