“You have survived 100% of your worst days”
Jungling several Mental Illnesses at once was never going to be easy. For me, when my EUPD gets better my Anxiety and Anorexia gets worse. I am so black and white, all or nothing and I struggle, really struggle, to find any shade of grey.
Since leaving hospital I have tried my best to get back into a normal life – to find that grey area where I am successfully in control of my Mental Illnesses. And for the most part I am managing. I have been attending my supported work placement and meeting friends for coffee and drinks. But it has been tough, so tough. I still get days when depression cripples me. When the thoughts of harming myself are so overwhelming that there is nothing I can do but to give in or fight hard against them. I still get days when Anorexia controls me. When every bite kills me and food feels like poison infecting my body and seeping into my cells. I have days where my body image is so bad I cannot bare to shower, let alone get dressed as I feel no-one should have to see me looking like this. I get days where Anxiety renders me house bound because the world outside is too frighting for me to face on my own.
But above all, I still get days when EUPD is the front runner of them all. When my impulses get too strong for me to control. When my mind races and runs to places that I cannot bare, straight into the dark corners of my mind. Where the images and thoughts that cause me so much pain and upset are replayed over and over again like a video tape stuck on repeat. The same thoughts. The same pictures. The same voices. They taunt and torment me. They take over my my mind and turn me into someone I don’t even recognise.
But in all this I still have hope. I still cling onto that glimmer of light that things can and will get better, get easier. Because without that hope where would I be? Alone. In darkness. With no light to guide me. And in my worst moments I remember the good things I have in my life. I have wonderful friends. Both with and without Mental Illnesses. I have a fantastic family who support me and are fighting with me. I have amazing professionals who do there upmost to help and never give up on me. They pick me up each and every time I fall and we start again and build back up. And I have you. My wonderful readers who bare with me while I ramble on about my struggles and through comments and messages have helped me so much. So thank you.
To those of you suffering from any kind of Mental Illness – don’t give up. Even at your worst times, try and find the light in darkness. There is ALWAYS something to be thankful for.
Take care guys